


Million Years Ago

by peppermintbubblegum



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, American? AU, Because everyone is in love with Lily Evans including me, F/F, Fem! James Potter, I just didn't want to have to put effort into researching the levels of British education, James is pining, James's parents are dead, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, that's it I think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-10
Updated: 2018-02-27
Packaged: 2018-12-13 16:35:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11763975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peppermintbubblegum/pseuds/peppermintbubblegum
Summary: -“I’m going to call Sirius, is that okay?” Lily asked hesitantly, completely out of ideas. She realized she didn’t really know James Potter as well as she thought she did, if she couldn’t even figure out how to help. All this time, she would have told anyone that she knew that idiot the best, all of her quirks, irritabilities, talents, strengths, and god complex. However, as she watched James’ entire body shudder uncontrollably, her hands clenched white to stop them from shaking, it occurred to her that she didn’t recognize this James at all.-





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi I'm back! It's been over a year since I last posted (oops) but I hope you'll like this. I've been meaning to post it all summer but finally got around to it. If you like it, tell me to continue because then I'll consider making more chapters and updating! Hope you like it okay byeeeee  
> OH! ALSO  
> TW: this chapter mentions death, describes symptoms of depression, and includes a panic attack (though not a graphic description).  
> okay that's all bye for real this time

Jameson Potter was having a bad day. In fact, she was having quite possibly one of the worst days of the school year so far. She had woken up late, forgetting that of course her parents couldn’t wake her up anymore on their way to work. Of course not. They were dead, and you’d think by however many months of the school year so far had passed, James would remember this fact. But when it was six in the morning, and she was accompanied only by the condensation on the window pane and her own exhaustion, she did not.  
Then, while she was already late to school, her shitty jeep broke down, causing her to have to walk a bit over a mile to school, a painful trek as her coach had been ruthless in conditioning as of late, and show up halfway through her first period, calculus. Even better.  
McGonagall gave a disapproving glance but didn’t comment on her tardiness, her eyes conveying empathy due to her familiarity with Fleamont and Euphemia’s deaths, as she was a family friend. And lo and behold, Lily fucking Evans was there, sitting just one row in front of her and two seats to the left, the one person James was positive wouldn’t give her any sympathy today.  
“You will be working in groups pre-selected on today’s packet,” said Mcgonagall, before beginning to assign desks to the students. And of course, of fucking course, James was unfortunate enough to wind up in a group with Lily.   
Quietly, James pulled out the packet and began to work in silence, refusing to look up and make eye contact with Lily. Their relationship had always been… complicated to say the least. While the two of them had the most vicious relationship since middle school, it peaked freshman year, when James got in a fistfight with Snape for being a homophobic asshole, and in defending him, Lily got called quite a plethora of homophobic slurs in return for her kindness. Sophomore year they mostly just avoided each other, but when they did interact it was borderline explosive. This year, however, the tensions had for the most part dissolved into open hostility, less vicious and more light hearted than in the past, but still fairly brutal.  
And to make matters worse, James was in love with her. Lily was openly bisexual, so it wasn’t completely hopeless, except Lily Evans would probably rather die than come within five feet of Jameson unless it was to slap her.   
She was stunning, put together, and untouchable perfection, illustrated through milky white skin splattered in freckles, flowing dark red hair, and of course the most beautiful emerald eyes that seem to stare right into one’s soul. To make matters even worse, Lily frequently insisted on wearing school girl-esque outfits claiming “professionalism”, but the stockings, white collar shirts, ties, and plaid skirts just made her seem like a tease or a fantasy come to life.   
Lily was perfect, and James just-well…wasn’t. James knew she wasn’t too ugly for Evans-in fact, she had always been quite confident in her appearance, so that wasn’t the issue. She knew she was lanky and her legs were too thin and her chest was too flat, but James had always liked her clunky black glasses, glowing bronze skin tone, messy black pixie-cut in a near-constant state of disarray, and toned body due to her excessive and rigorous soccer schedule as captain of varsity. However, Lily had always been thoroughly irritated with her no matter what, and James had accepted it as a part of life. Kind Lily, kind, beautiful Lily, hated her for no determinable reason besides the conflict between Snape which James thought shouldn’t even matter anymore.  
Nevertheless, Lily seemed right pissed that she was stuck with James. “So,” Lily began, looking toward the rest of the group. “Since we all know James will be no help, does anyone else have any thoughts on the second problem?”  
As the rest of the group proceeded to confer with Lily, albeit tensely, James just sat there in shock, gripping her pencil so tightly her hands started to cramp. Almost any other day she could deal with this, but not now. God, not now. She knew she irritated Lily. Infuriated her, even. And to be completely honest, James knew it wasn’t just because of Snape but more to do with James’s general facade of arrogance and flippancy that really got under Lily’s skin. What made matters all the worse was when James was uncomfortable or felt attacked she’d immediately retreat further behind a mask of nonchalance and laugh when she was trying not to cry, making her absolute rubbish in serious situations and when Lily was calling her out.   
As this habit came out when James felt uncomfortable, it was safe to say in quite a few of her classes she could come across as a complete douche, as a person struggling with anxiety and ADHD, she was frequently and unrelentingly uncomfortable the majority of the time, especially when she was forced into public/social settings when she didn’t desire to be there.   
The only places James felt secure was on the soccer field, with her mates, with her parents, or at home. Well, used to be with her parents. Now all she has left of them is an empty house full of memories and twin tomb-stones at the nearest cemetery, mostly empty as her parents were almost completely destroyed by the horrific car accident that took both of their lives.  
Tightening her grip on her pencil even more, James tried to calm her shaking down and get it to the point where at least it wasn’t so visible. Normally, James would just laugh at Lily being bitchy toward her and make some glib comment about how it was just her trying to hide her feelings for James-as if Lily Evans would ever. But today, there was no light to the insult she could joke about, and she wasn’t in a very fun mood, to be honest. All she wanted, no-needed, was a hug from her mom, or her dad to kiss her forehead one more time. School work was piling up around her more than ever this year to the point where she was almost put on academic suspension from the soccer team. Sure, she was naturally bright but that didn’t change the fact she rarely, if ever, did homework outside of class. Winter break was quickly approaching, and with it brought it’s own separate set of problems James was trying really hard not to think about.  
Like how this would be her first Christmas without her parents. Even though she was popular, she still knew the only people who really cared about her were Sirius, Remus, and Peter, and whatever they gave her would be the only gifts she’d be receiving. She didn’t even know where in the basement her parents kept the tree, and oh god, was everything hitting her at once. She’d have to decorate the tree without her parents. Would it be easier to just not put up the tree at all? Would it be easier to just let Christmas pass, her favorite holiday, and just completely try to block out the memory?   
“Potter? Hello, I asked you a question,” Lily snapped her fingers in front of James’s blank face, staring vacantly at the worksheet in front of her. “Earth to idiot!”  
“I’m sorry, what?” James questioned, snapping out of it. She felt like the walls were closing in on her and she could feel the panic wrapping around her heart in a vice.   
Rolling her eyes, Lily snapped, “Do you know the quadratic formula or not? We haven’t used it in forever and none of us can remember.”  
James just nodded and wrote it down on a piece of blank notebook paper, sliding it into the center of the table.   
She then immediately returned herself to her previous position: head down, shoulders hunched, eyes closed. She hoped that if no one could get a clear view of her face, they’d just assume she was tired and trying to take a nap. And there was some truth to that, really. She was tired. But not so much physically was she tired as that tired had become her new state of being. She was tired of everything, of working toward a future that seemed dim, of trying to appear happy so her friends wouldn’t get even more stressed over her, of lying awake at night and being unable to get out of bed in the morning, of Lily Evans and her cruel self-righteousness, tired of her life-but mostly, she was so, so tired of having to wake up every morning and be expected to live without her parents.  
“Are you seriously taking a fucking nap right now? Jesus christ what is wrong with you? Why would McGonagall group you with me if you so clearly insist on not even trying at all?” Lily shrilled, seemingly hellbent on breaking James’s ear drums.  
James lifted her head from her arms very slowly, making direct eye contact with Lily, who looked more than a little unnerved. She kept expecting James to say something snarky in response, or fight back at the very least, but with no response to her provocation, she just felt like an asshole.   
Seconds passed and James still did not respond.  
“Well?” Lily questioned. “Are you going to actually do some work or just continue to not care about anything other than yourself like the lazy and air-headed jock you are.”  
James just gaped at her, as did the rest of the group, seemingly surprised that the sweet Evans would lash out at the soccer star unprovoked like that.  
James, not trusting herself to speak in fear of her voice trembling, choked out a strangled, grim chuckle, squared her jaw, and pushed herself up suddenly from the table. She didn’t know why she even came to school today, why she was even trying. Obviously she was being selfish, she knew her parents would have wanted her to finish her education, she just couldn’t get over the crushing responsibility that fell solely on her. She grabbed her bag and slammed the classroom door shut, rushing down the hallway, just wanting to be home. There were only two more weeks until winter break, she could handle this all until then. She could handle it she could handle it she could handle it she had to handle it she couldn’t handle it.  
“James!” echoed throughout the hallway, causing James to groan out loud. Lily just couldn’t seem to leave her alone today, when all she wanted to do was go home, get high, and go right back to bed.  
“What, Evans? Have any more thoughts about me you’d like to share to really kickstart my day?” James replied sarcastically, quickly attempting to blink the tears out of her eyes.  
“As if you’re such a fucking saint yourself, Potter! What do you expect me to say, when I have my day ruined by having to deal with your lazy ass refusing to do any work at all,” Lily replied, feeling herself relax into the more normal, vicious back-and-forth they had than the weird, almost emotional James she had seen a glimpse of today.  
James just scoffed, rolled her eyes, and began walking down the hall again, more desperate than ever to just go home.  
“Don’t walk away from me, Potter!” Lily exclaimed, chasing after her. “You still have to do some of the fucking work!” James continued walking, just wanting-no, needing to be alone, when, “Holy shit, are you crying?” Lily sounded shocked, and incredibly uncomfortable.  
“Wait, shit, uh, I don’t know what to… sorry? Hey, are you okay? Should I get Sirius? Fuck, what do I…” Lily trailed off, clearly panicking. She’d known James since middle school and in the past 7 years, she had never seen the other girl cry. She’d seen the girl’s arm break at a soccer game, her ankles buckle and roll, get cleated in the face, break her nose, and get too many concussions to count but never once has she witnessed the unshakably nonchalant James Potter cry, and she had no idea what to make of it. And oh my god, she had made James cry. Lily had been having a shitty day, her parents were fighting again, and she didn’t mean to be such a bitch, but they usually got in fights in math and it was almost relaxing for her to be able to argue with James every day. Obviously, it had nothing to do with how James would tease her playfully in response to her anger, of course not, or how James would stick out her tongue at Lily or pull her hair, that’d be insane if she liked that at all. James was just annoying, but she had somehow made her cry, and no matter how much she disliked James, she wasn’t going to just leave her like this.   
Wiping her eyes, James just shook her head, continuing to speed walk down the hall.  
“I’m going to call Sirius, is that okay?” Lily asked hesitantly, completely out of ideas. She realized she didn’t really know James Potter as well as she thought she did, if she couldn’t even figure out to help. All this time, she would have told anyone that she knew that idiot the best, all of her quirks, irritabilities, talents, strengths, and god complex. However, as she watched James’ entire body shudder uncontrollably, her hands clenched white to stop them from shaking, it occurred to her that she didn’t recognize this James at all.   
James didn’t respond to her previous inquisition, but didn’t seem visibly opposed to it, just like she didn’t have the energy to speak, so Lily fumbled out her phone from her pocket. Rapidly, she scrolled through her contacts to “Prick #2”, or Sirius, and called him. “Pick up, pick up, pick up,” she muttered under her breath, and sighed audibly in relief when she heard, “Evans?” crackle through the speaker.  
Distantly, she could also hear Sirius’s teacher yelling at him to get off the phone, but Sirius didn’t seem to be about to hang up, “What’s going on, Lily?”   
“Okay so James came to algebra late, whatever, and she was normal and all but got really upset when I was a bit bitchy, but how was I supposed to know she was gonna start crying? And she left the classroom and now she won’t stop shaking and I’ve never seen her cry before Sirius, I have no clue what to do!” Lily rushed out all at once, fearful Sirius would be just as astounded.   
Calmly, he replied, “Where are you now?” She quickly listed the wing and classrooms she was near, before he said, “I’m coming,” and hung up.  
James had sat down, leaning against the classroom door with her face buried in her hands, breathing sporadically and sounding as though she was hyperventilating.   
Hesitantly, Lily took the athlete’s hands in her own, rubbing circles onto the back of her palms as she instructed James to breathe. She had never seen anyone have a panic attack in real life before, and she was at a complete loss of what to do.  
After a few minutes, she heard pounding footsteps and realized Sirius was finally coming. He gently shoved Lily out of the way and put his hands on James’s shoulders, pushing her upright and forcing her to take deep breaths.   
As Lily watched Sirius manage to calm James down and pull her into a hug, murmuring reassuring phrases in her ear, Lily felt a pang of something akin to jealousy encompass her. Sirius was definitely attractive, and certainly the heartthrob of the school, being about 6 feet tall with sculpted muscles, olive tinged skin from his Japanese heritage, beautiful long dark hair, and stunning gray eyes. His relationship with James always irked Lily, as there was no tangible way James could be as strangely close with him as she was and not have hooked up with him at some point or another, despite both of their protests of the platonic nature of their relationship.  
They always just looked so good together, though; both incredibly tall, sculpted and toned, and model-like by nature. Both on the co-ed soccer team, the two best players, with the same crude sense of humor, who mirror each other in almost every feasible way. Lily had always thought they were both equally shallow and never having to deal with anything, but the graveness in Sirius’s voice shocked her, and the pure vulnerability in James’s expression made Lily feel like she was finally seeing the real James for the first time since meeting her.  
Sirius helped James up, saying, “We’re going home,” and shooting Lily a dirty look.   
As James picked up her backpack from where she’d dropped it on the floor, Sirius whispered to Lily in a surprisingly vicious tone, “I swear to god if you ever treat her like this again, I will end you. You have no idea what she’s been through and while her teasing is always playful you are just a bitch. Stay away from her.”  
Shocked, Lily could do nothing but watch Sirius put his arm around James and steer her away, out the entrance of the school. Lily was at a complete and total loss and more confused than ever before.  
What the hell did Sirius mean by that? And what kind of things had James ‘been through’. As long as Lily’s known her, James has practically glided through life, never having to work for her grades or try to get people to like her-she was rich, had a wonderful family, a ton of friends, and always seemed happy. Sirius probably was just exaggerating but still, Lily felt awful for making James freak out like that. She certainly didn’t intend for her words to get under James’s skin at all, and seeing her break down like that was shocking.  
“What the hell just happened.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for mentions of depression, weed, suicidal thoughts, etc...

That afternoon and two blunts later, James finally felt close to normal again, or as normal as she could anymore. 

Sirius lay on the bed next to her, opting not to smoke so he could better care for the distraught Jamie.

“Evans is a bitch, I always told you she wasn’t worth your time,” Sirius muttered under his breath, taking advantage of James’s inebriated state to be harsher to her crush than he normally would dare.

“Shhhh, she’s perfect,” James whispered in response, staring dazedly at the glow-in-the-dark star stickers on her bedroom ceiling. 

“I’m gonna move back in,” Sirius said suddenly, “I know I moved out when they, yaknow, passed because you needed to be alone and I needed Remus to help me, but you need the extra help now. Seriously, I hate seeing you fall apart like this.”

Any other day James would’ve insisted that she was fine, but she didn’t have the energy to lie anymore, continue her facade, so she just said nothing at all.

 

The next day, James showed up to school on time on the back of Sirius’ motorbike, wearing her varsity jacket, a red crop top, skinny jeans, and combat boots, feeling significantly better and slightly embarrassed about her behavior the day before. She was brimming with the anxiety of what Lily would think, and how her opinion of James might’ve changed. She was always so worried about being vulnerable in front of Lily, and then she had to go and literally have a mental breakdown in front of her.

Sighing, James slung her backpack over her shoulder and walked in step with Sirius up to the front of the school, well aware she still smelled a bit like weed. In her opinion whatever helped, helped and the smell should be gone from her breath by soccer, so at least her coach wouldn’t kill her.

She felt a little guilty for smoking at 6 am on a school day, but without a little tiny smoke she wouldn’t be able to get through the day. Sirius had been nagging her about seeing a doctor and getting a legitimate prescription for anxiety medication, but she knew how addictive those pills could be, and she was worried that if they truly helped she wouldn’t be able to stop herself from abusing them, or even worse, taking a few handfuls too many intentionally.

The weed helped her calm down just enough to focus, and after having a long talk with Sirius the night before and his consequent move back into her depressingly empty house, she felt not better, but more cared for and hopeful.

 

She hugged Sirius goodbye as they reached the door of the math classroom, holding onto him for just a bit longer than normal, craving the brotherly comfort he provided, before turning and walking into math to face Evans. Normally her heart would be racing, but she was surprisingly calm, though that was probably more the pot than any mental breakthrough she’d experienced in the past day. Walking briskly to her chair, she sat down and allowed her lips to spread into a wide, cocky grin, ready to act like nothing had happened the day before and maybe tease Evans enough to make her forget about the whole thing.

However, Lily was unusually quiet in class that day, and barely responded to James’s quips about her overly-studious behavior. It was impossible to catch her attention, and James rapidly grew frustrated. When the bell rang, Lily moved to dash out of the classroom, but James gently grabbed her arm to stop her.

“Okay what’s up with you? You barely even glared at me today! What’s got your panties all in a bunch?” James smirked, showing teeth as she awaited Evans’ response.

“What’s up with me? What’s up with you! You,” she lowered her voice, “were practically sobbing in the hallway yesterday, and are just going to pretend like nothing happened and everything’s fine?” By the end of her question, Lily’s voice had grown shrill and frantic.

“I mean, yeah, that was kind of the plan,” James said, shrugging.

Lily threw her hands up and stalked off, muttering “Unbelievable!” under her breath as she went, leaving James feeling a bit relieved at the return back to a slightly more familiar dynamic between the two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed ! I know this is super short, but after not updating this for so long, I got a sudden burst of inspiration last night and decided to act on it. Let me know what you think and if you'd like to see more !


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